Dating a widower 7 min read
Dating a Widower: What to Expect
Dating a widower usually means dating a man who loved his wife, still misses her, and wants a new relationship anyway. Expect her to remain part of his story, expect a few hard days each year, and judge him by how he treats you now, not by whether he has stopped grieving.
By the Date A Widower team
In short
- His late wife will stay part of his story, and that need not shrink his love for you.
- Some widowers move very fast; it is fair to ask whether he is choosing you or avoiding being alone.
- Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can be hard; ask what he needs on those days.
- Let him lead on introducing you to his children, and expect it to take time.
- You are allowed limits. Look for room in his life, not the end of his grief.
What makes dating a widower different
A divorced man usually left a relationship that had ended. A widower lost one that, for him, had not. He did not choose to be single, and he may still love his late wife in the plain, everyday way people love someone they shared a home with. That is not a warning sign. It is evidence that he knows how to commit, how to stay and how to care for someone through hard times, which is a good deal more than many first dates can show you.
The difference is that his past does not come to you as a closed chapter. It comes with photographs, family, anniversaries and, very often, children who also lost their mother. If you can see all of that as part of the man rather than competition for him, dating a widower can be one of the most grounded relationships you will have.
Her place in his life, and yours
He will talk about her. Early on, that may be a lot, because she was the person he did everything with for years and his stories naturally include her. Over time, if things are going well, those stories make room for new ones that include you. Photographs may stay on the walls for a while; some widowers move them when a new partner starts staying over, some keep one or two for good, especially if there are children. It is fair to tell him how something makes you feel. It is not fair to ask him to pretend she never existed.
A useful question to ask yourself is not "does he still love her?" but "is there room for me?" Love for someone who died does not have a fixed size that has to shrink before he can love again. Plenty of widowers describe a second marriage as different from the first rather than smaller.
Why some widowers move fast, and some very slowly
Some widowers start dating within months and want commitment quickly. Often it is because they were good at being married and miss the companionship badly. Others wait years and move cautiously once they start. Neither is wrong, but a very fast start is worth watching. If he wants to move in together after three weeks, it is worth asking, gently, whether he is choosing you or choosing not to be alone. Our guide to the signs a widower is serious about you goes into what to look for.
Anniversaries, birthdays and the hard days
Her birthday, their wedding anniversary and the date she died will matter to him, possibly for the rest of his life. So may Thanksgiving, Christmas and the places they used to go. On those days he may be quiet, sad or want time with his family. The kindest thing you can do is ask what he needs, rather than guessing or taking the distance personally. Many couples find their own way of marking the day together after a while.
His children and her family
If he has children, they lost their mother, and they may not welcome a new woman at first, whatever their age. Let him lead on introductions and expect it to take time. Her parents and siblings may still be close to him, too, and that is usually a good sign of the kind of man he is. Our guide to telling your children you are dating is written for widowed parents, but it is useful reading for anyone dating one.
Looking after yourself
Dating a widower asks a lot of patience, and you are allowed limits. If, after many months, you are still kept away from his friends, every room in his home is exactly as she left it and he cannot talk about a future, it is reasonable to ask where this is going. A good relationship with a widower should feel like you are building something with him, not waiting outside his grief. Abel Keogh, a widower who remarried, wrote a well-known book on this subject, also called Dating a Widower, if you would like a longer read.
Questions people ask
Is it hard to date a widower?
It can be, mostly because his past arrives with him rather than behind him. Many people find it rewarding, because a widower has already shown he knows how to commit.
Will a widower ever love me as much as his late wife?
Love is not a fixed amount that has to move from one person to another. Many widowers describe a second love as different rather than smaller.
Should he take down her photos?
Many widowers move some photos as a new relationship grows, but a few may stay, especially if there are children. Talk about how it feels to you rather than setting a rule.
How long should a widower wait before dating?
There is no set time. What matters more is whether he is looking for a new relationship or trying to replace the one he lost.