Family 6 min read
Telling Your Children You Are Dating Again
Tell your children you are dating before they hear it from someone else, in a calm, private conversation, and keep it simple: you are lonely, you are meeting people, and nobody is replacing their mom or dad. Young children need reassurance; adult children need honesty and time. Introductions can wait until a relationship is serious.
By the Date A Widower team
In short
- Tell them before they find out another way, on an ordinary day.
- Young children need reassurance and no parade of new adults.
- Teenagers need honesty, privacy and time.
- Adult children may worry about money and the family home; take it seriously.
- Introduce a partner only when it is serious, briefly and somewhere neutral.
When to tell them
Sooner than you might like, and certainly before they find out from a friend, a neighbor or a stray notification on your phone. You do not need to announce every coffee date. But once you are actively dating, a short conversation is kinder than a discovery. Pick an ordinary day, not a birthday, holiday or anniversary.
Talking to young children
Young children mostly want to know that their world is safe. Keep it short and concrete: "Sometimes I go out to have dinner with a friend I am getting to know." Reassure them that you are not going anywhere and that nobody is taking their mom's or dad's place. Answer their questions honestly and simply, and expect the same questions again later. Do not introduce them to someone you are dating until the relationship is serious and steady; a string of new adults is unsettling for a child who has already lost a parent.
Talking to teenagers
Teenagers may be embarrassed, angry, protective or all three. They may also feel loyal to the parent who died and see your dating as disloyal. Tell them directly, listen more than you speak, and do not ask them to be happy about it. Respect their privacy and expect yours in return: they do not need details. A teenager who is given time often comes round further than either of you expects.
Talking to adult children
Adult children can react more strongly than young ones. Some are relieved you are no longer alone. Others worry that you are being taken advantage of, that you are moving too fast, or, more quietly, about the family home and inheritance. All of these are worth hearing. Tell them you are dating, that you are being careful, and that big decisions will be talked about openly. Then live your own life. You raised them; you do not need their permission.
Hard things they might say
- "It's too soon." It may feel that way to them. Say that you understand, that you are taking it slowly, and that you still miss their parent every day.
- "You're replacing Mom." Say clearly that nobody could, and that loving someone new does not mean loving her less.
- "What about the house?" Take it seriously. Promise that any big financial decisions will be discussed, and keep that promise.
- "I don't want to meet them." Then do not force it. Offer again later.
Introductions, when the time comes
Keep the first meeting short, relaxed and somewhere neutral: a lunch, a walk, a ball game. Brief your partner beforehand on names, sore points and anything not to mention. Do not expect warmth on the first day. Let the relationship between your children and your partner grow at its own pace; it may never be close, and that can be fine.
Looking after yourself
You are allowed to want companionship. Your children's feelings matter, and so do yours. If the conversations are hard, a family counselor or a grief support group can help everyone say what they mean. For more on timing, see when to start dating after losing a spouse.
Questions people ask
When should I introduce my children to someone I am dating?
Once the relationship is serious and steady. For young children especially, fewer introductions are better.
My adult children are against me dating. What should I do?
Listen to their worries, especially about money, and reassure them about how you will handle big decisions. Then make your own choices.
Should I tell my late spouse's family?
If you are close, it is kinder to tell them yourself than for them to hear it elsewhere, once the relationship is serious.
Is it normal for children to feel betrayed?
Yes. Many children feel loyal to the parent who died. Given time, many come to accept a new partner.